


i'm sorry

by dixonbelcourts



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, Borderline Personality Disorder, I dont, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Trans Charles Xavier, Trans Male Character, also trans charles is just mentioned, but all my charles fics are trans js, even know what this is, its hell !, its lit, on charles' side, they both have bpd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 00:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6542902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dixonbelcourts/pseuds/dixonbelcourts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gas leak. That’s what Raven had said. Charles ignores the matches she’s slipping into her back pocket, running a hand through his hair as he stands at his burning car. And oh, how convenient that Erik’s group is to drive by just now.</p><p>band au maybe</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> who knows what this is truly my friend asked me to write band au and i'm in hell it's lit

It’s been a few years since Erik and Charles had fought - choosing only to speak when Raven was involved. It worked that way, as far as the other knew about the other.

Gas leak. That’s what Raven had said. Charles ignores the matches she’s slipping into her back pocket, running a hand through his hair as he stands at his burning car. And oh, how convenient that Erik’s group is to drive by just now.

Charles can’t help but lose himself to the movement of the bus, the slight bumps of the tires against the rocky road and the speeding movement. It’s almost calming.

Or at least, it’s a distraction from Erik.

Charles doesn’t want to deal. He’d been just fine shutting down, almost content after all these years, ignoring Erik and what happened and any feelings he might’ve had for him. What’s done is done. Alex had managed to fill in for drums well enough - surprisingly so. But now, he’s confronted with every thought he used to have of him, of hands against his ribs and mouth against his neck. All silly daydreams that never happened, all things he’d done his best to forget.

Erik is quiet. Fidgets with the piece of fabric in his hands and doesn’t say a word. It’s been so long since Charles has seen him. Last time there was yelling, Raven’s protesting - all he can fully remember is the bottle afterward. So, no. Being trapped in a bus space trapped with the living definition of ‘unresolved issues’ while his own car is broken down miles back isn’t ideal. He’s the last person Charles wants to see, even if he gets to see Raven in the package.

Besides, Raven is up in the front seats with Angel wrapped around her, so even that’s void.

She’d tried to do this before, play mediator with a twist. Never to such an extreme point as ruining Charles’ car. Even worse is the fact that Charles can’t even get himself to be angry with her. So he sits. He sits next to Erik and he pretends nothing is wrong, tries to keep himself shut until they get to the venue. It’s what he’s done for the past few years, anyway.

Erik seems content that way.

There’s only so much they can do before the noise from the other compartment grows uncomfortable and unignorable. They’re always like this, Erik says. You get used to it. He heard Janos ( - Azazel? He can’t tell. ) moan again, and Charles decides he doesn’t want to sit in a quiet bus long enough to get used to it. Whining, he curls into the couch, pressing his face into the stiff pillows Emma had bought. 

“I would think you’d be used to it.”

Erik’s words make Charles look up. He hasn’t said a thing the whole trip, and Charles doesn’t expect the casualty of it.

“What would make you say that?”  
“Well with you and Moira, I would’ve thought you at least wouldn’t be provoking you so much.”

The mention of Moira makes Charles go to ice immediately, and Erik realizes his mistake when he sees the man’s face fall. Moira wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. More issues he’d buried, more he didn’t want to think about. Erik seems to take that to note, assuming the worst of them. 

At the knowledge of Charles and Moira having gone wrong, Erik tries to keep away the small bundle of joy he feels.

Charles and Moira had never slept together. At the touch of his binder, at the sound of her voice, he panicked. He shoved her away. Charles realized what his intent was with their relationship - even if he still refused to acknowledge it now. Moira and him hadn’t spoken for a long while after that. Truthfully, he feels awkward still when they do.

Erik sighs. 

He’s not one to say anything on Moira, even if his assumptions are correct - not given what he’s done with Raven. Raven had taken it more in stride it seems, both of them taking to the people they’d truly wanted - or tried to, at least. 

It’s now that Charles remembers how they were before. Charles’ head in Erik’s lap as Raven’s bad television played in the background. Charles throwing popcorn up at Erik’s face whenever he said something inappropriate. ( Erik always caught it in his mouth. It irritated Charles. ). Raven trying to sing out Alex’s guitar scripts. It was nice nights, then. Safe.

 

Forcing yourself to split is only a solution for so long, so is avoidance. That’s what they both realize right now. Charles looks to Erik beside him, reluctant to say anything, but he doesn’t want to leave it at Moira. Half of him wants to reach out and touch Erik’s face, to tell him no, I didn’t mean that, to go Yes, yes I felt that way too, I was wrong, I was wrong and I’m sorry -

Erik just wishes it never happened at all.

It’s when Charles goes to speak that the bus stops in it’s track for a moment, pushing back everyone in the bus. Raven yelps as she falls off of Raven, both Erik and Charles hear Azazel swear something in Russian as Janos thuds to the floor. Erik grips onto the back of the couch of the bus, sliding but staying in place. Charles, who had been leaning back, falls back against Erik, and realizes what a mistake that choice was.

He knew Erik shouldn’t have let Hank drive.

Erik reacts both with instinct and panic, grabbing Charles around the hip to keep him from falling, taking a second for the action to set in. Charles can feel his head flushing between the sensation of falling and of any sort of contact with Erik after so long. It’s a mess, and it’s all Raven’s fault, and Charles doesn’t know whether to thank her or kill her, doesn’t know whether to kiss Erik like he once wanted or dive back and remain angry as if nothing happened, doesn’t -

“I’m sorry.”

Erik’s grip tightens on him when Charles says that.

It spills from his tongue before he can stop. Charles’ face twists with regret as soon as Erik’s does with confusion. Damn his lack of impulse control. Damn Hank and his horrible driving, damn Raven, damn this entire fucking bus, and damn Erik.

It’s an awkward position, Charles’ hand on Erik’s thigh and Erik’s hand wrapped around Charles’ back. The bus moves swiftly across the road now, they can move, but they stay. Frozen in place.

Erik’s grip softens, hand softly pressing against his spine. Charles expects to be thrown on the floor.

“So am I.”

Grappling onto words, Charles comes up with nothing. He doesn’t get the chance anyway, before Erik rambles on, losing himself to his own voice. 

 

“I’m sorry that I yelled, that I left, that I broke your tools and - “

“I’m sorry that I made you to leave in the first place.” 

Charles cuts him off, making Erik’s face fall slack. They’re in it now, they both know. It’s nothing they can avoid anymore. They can’t drop it and go back to their awkward silence. So, Erik goes on.

“I said you’d been the reason I left, and that wasn’t true. I’m sorry, Charles. I’m sorry that I took your money, I’m sorry I broke the door, I’m sorry I slept with Raven - “

“You did what?”

Charles hisses it out, all attention focused to Erik’s last comment. Evidently, Erik thought he’d known, face falling as the tone of the room was lost. He stutters and shifts his hold on the other. Charles would still fall if he were to let go, but he’s made no move to change that. It’s a small bit of comfort right now. A shake of the head as Charles sighs.

He’s going to kill them both.

Erik shakes his head in quick succession, trying to recover himself somehow.

 

“I thought you’d known. I would’ve figured Raven told you.”

The recovery isn’t well enough, Charles’ face twisting in confusion and disgust. No, Raven had never told him. If he’s being honest, he isn’t mad at either of them. He’s jealous, which he can’t even admit to himself. Those are the parts of him he’s done his best to keep buried for so long, the parts that he hid and wanted to change and led him to Moira. It wasn’t something he ever wanted to deal with again. Why he pushed away Erik.

“You slept with my sister. Why would - “  
“Why does it matter so much? I suppose it hurts to see someone you love sleep with a -”  
“You loved Moira?”

Erik laughs. He laughs, bitter and hollow, and pushes Charles off of him. Charles is stunted, grabbing onto the side of the seat for balance as he pushes himself up. He was always such a fool, his Charles. Always blind and naive. 

“God, no, Charles. We hated each other.” 

Charles still doesn’t seem to get it. His face twists up. Out of all the things he’s telling himself, none of it is true, because he knows, he does. He just doesn’t want to deal with it. He wants to hide and pretend nothing ever happened. To go on a silent bus ride to the venue and pretend it’s all fine. Inching towards Erik, he’s lost. Even with the other man staring him waiting for an answer, he says nothing. He can’t even look at him. It’s not even because of anything Erik said - three years ago, this would’ve been a fantasy. A puzzle connects in his head and Charles pretends the pieces are to another solution entirely. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Charles says it again, and Erik wishes he would shut up.

Charles is lost - and it’s that and his poor impulse control that ruins him. It’s all whim when he leans against Erik to kiss him. It’s uncomfortable, too. Teeth and the taste of gas station coffee and Charles grabbing onto Erik’s collar - even if just for something, anything to grab onto to keep from falling on his face. He feels ridiculous. It’s taken in stride, Erik’s hand taking to Charles’ hip to balance him as he turns to him.

“So am I.” Erik mumbles.

Charles wraps his hands around the nape of Erik’s neck. He’ll hate himself for this later, maybe, maybe - but Erik whispers his name against his lips, and he knows it was right.


End file.
